1.31.2001

11:36:21 PM
Since there is no God, I will be yours.

Today was as useless as Stevie Wonder's bi-focals.
I was going to go out to a bar with a female co-worker of mine but plans changed as we closed up because I realized I have no idea of what bars were in the area and not too far out of her way. So tomorrow, maybe.

I still gotta get the motivation up to pay my bills and do all the other shit on my list.
At least I'm not depressed anymore. Just bitter and lonely. This weekend may help, though....

An online friend of mine will be visiting and staying overnight Saturday. We've been conversing for a good while, now. Probably since last Spring. She's a writer and just a very sweet girl. I believe she's 29 or up there somewhere. I have no idea what she looks like and I'm a little nervous about that... but it really wouldn't matter. We've talked about meeting up since the beginning and finally... we will. I'm not expecting anything out of this and to be honest, I don't think I'd want anything. Though who knows what will happen.... physically.
I haven't even thought about what to do while she's here. Hmph.... that's odd. What the hell are we going to do?!

Anyway... I'm about ready for bed soon. Oh! I've been sleeping in my BED since Callie cleaned it off. I haven't slept in it for probably around 9 months. I've been sleeping in "The Chair" but I've really knocked the wind out of it, so... time for something new.
::Coz::
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1:11:45 AM
Ok, so let's see...

I talked to Joyce about what's going on. She basically is in a rut because she wants to be with me, but only on an exclusive level. BUT..... when she becomes single, she doesn't want to commit -- she just wants to relax and enjoy the single scene. I understand.

Dad is still in the hospital and is expected to be released sometime Wednesday. No definite cause for the pains has been determined.

Computer is still acting up but only when it wants to. I could shut down at any minute....

All for now.... life's pretty boring. Gotta get around to sending Chris the CD... along with MANY other things I should be doing.
::Coz::
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1.30.2001

2:06:01 AM
Right, so where were we?

Ah yes. Dad's alive but in the hospital. They don't know yet if it was due to his heart (he has a bad heart, like me.... where do you think I got it from?) or if it was gastroal-intestine-thingie problems. Tomorrow he's having some tests done and we'll know then, I guess.

The rooms are clean, for the most part. I don't know if it was a job worth $50, but hell, there's no way I could do it... so it's worth it in that manner. I wish I could explain it... the reasoning behind not being able to clean up. It's often misinterpreted for laziness and/or procrastination, but it's not. It's depression that cripples you in certain ways. Kind of like how a kid with a certain kind of learning diability is often percieved as dumb.... it's not correct.

Computer status: I think I've narrowed it down to being a bug in IE. That seems to be the only time I am shut down involuntarily by fatal exemption errors. If anyone happens to know more about this, PLEASE contact me! but I DL'd some software from Bill and it's supposed to resolve some bugs. I was still shut down a few times. My sound card is working. My mouse is the only hardware problem, now. It doesn't always sense I have a mouse. So I have to keep reaching back and pulling it out for a moment. When I put it back in, it's fine. It's a huge pain in the ass. But sometimes, like so far... I haven't had to do anything. Ugh. Who knows...

I put this MIDI up late Tuesday, so I'll leave it on for Wednesday. Don't guess it... the contest is over. Chances are.... you lost! But don't blame me...

I enjoyed my day off, but must go back in tomorrow (today). I'm not looking forward to it as I'm slightly under fire there. It's long and complicated.... I didn't exactly do anything wrong, but I might have said the wrong thing at the wrong time to a "problem customer". Email me if you're interested in hearing more, but it's just barely worth hearing about it.

'Til next time...
::Coz::
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1.29.2001

6:17:19 PM
Well, Soundtrack Week is over and what a huge success it was! *sigh*
Congratulations, Chris. You're the winner. Soon you'll be recieving a signed copy of "To whom it may concern..." I hope you enjoy it.

I was awoken by my father at around 5am by him asking me to take him to the hospital. He's now somewhere in there and no one will let us talk to him so I'm about to go there myself. Callie spent some time here helping me clean up this shitty room and my bedroom as well. It looks a lot better. Maybe now I'll be able to start living again. (The trash piling up was starting to incapacitate me. It's a mental thing, and you wouldn't understand unless you've been there)
Anyway...

I will have more later. I think I was able to fix some problems with the computer, but I'm not sure yet. As of now the only thing I'm having problems with is my sound card. I can't hear a damned thing... not even the Daily MIDI!

See ya.
::Coz::
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1.28.2001

6:44:16 PM
I'm still alive, for whatever reason. I think I know my problem now, though...
----I need help.-----
Who's watching the Superbowl?

Who's watching just the commercials? (My favorite part)
Go to http://superbowl.adcritic.com to see them 30 minutes after the first air.

All for now.
::Coz::
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1.27.2001

10:14:19 PM
Oh god just kill me, PLEASE just fucking kill me I swear to god.. please kill me.

PLEASE! I'm not fucking joking, now. FUCKING KILL ME!!!
::Coz::
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10:02:02 PM
I'm about ready to fucking throw my computer out the window!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm having to reset it every 5 minutes! I can't take it!!!!!! (I just had to reset again before publishing this damned blog, too -- and now I notice that the little glass shield on my Itellieye laser mouse is missing though it's not affecting anything, I don't think -- it could ruin the mouse. Why is it not there? WHERE IS IT!! I'm never letting anyone fucking touch my computers again! ARGH!!!!)

I'm changing your fucking MIDI now -- in case (WHEN) it shuts down again and I get fed up and go to bed.... It's the last MIDI of Soundtrack Week so how about just this one guess... c'mon, I'm making it easy today!

GUESS IT, DAMNIT!!
::Coz::
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9:24:02 PM
I would also like to thank Lane for the blog. I've gotten quite a few hits off of her today. Thanks, Ruby Lane!
::Coz::
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9:23:10 PM
By the way.... yesterday's MIDI was the theme to "Perfect Strangers"
So far today, only Chris has guessed correctly. Still accepting entires for today, and tomorrow will the the final day. Though I have a feeling I know who will win....... *raises brow*
::Coz::
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8:11:00 PM
...and by the way... she mentioend that whatever I sensed did not exist. Still.
::Coz::
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8:02:49 PM
There's a girl that started working at another Ritz location near us that has worked two days in our store so far to help fill in. She worked today and I must say... I have quite a crush on her. She's young, in comparison to most of my crushes (18) but she's immensly mature for her age. Pretty, nice body, and just nice. The thing that I'm attracted to most is her thoughts and views match mine on a lot of levels. She has a boyfriend and I'm not persuing her.... it's just a crush. Though I guess I could try to initiate a friendship. I talk about girls a lot, I know. Keep in mind that, though I may say things a lot, it is rare that I actually have a crush on someone. So there.

A strange and unusual thing happened at work today. At about 5pm (we close at 6pm) someone walked through the door that I haven't seen in quite awhile. Her name is Renee, and I was once in love with her -- for a brief moment in time. People I know would recognise her as one of "The Devil Twins". The story goes as follows:
Around the sumer of '99 I started becoming friends with this girl (Renee) because I had developed a crush on her. (Shut up...) She invited me to a party and we hung out a few times with her and her friends. She had a tightly knitted click. But they welcomed me. For the next couple months we hung out all the time and I never felt I had a better friendship with anyone else. I would do anything for these people (It was mainly Renee, Bridgett, Dan, and another guy... can't remember his name). I let Renee in on my feelings and though she claimed to have similar feelings, she was involved with someone at the time. I thought she was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. So cute, so funny, and eyes you could drown in. I invited the girls for a night down a shorehouse I got with another couple friends. Everything was fine, but before they left I started sensing some distancing on their part. When I finally arrived home 2 days later, I called and left a few messages. They rarely returned them and we weren't hanging out much at all. I confronted them and they said I was crazy, basically. Then things really got worse. Messages were not returned at all and I noticed them hanging out without even calling me. So I confronted them again. They told me it wasn't until I accused them the first time falsely that they started distancing themselves from me. We got into a big fight on AIM while I was at work and that was the end of that. I was ignored when I saw them at Denny's, etc. Nothing. Done. It was hard for me. I felt like I broke up with someone. The people I cared for so much had just turned their backs on me in an instant. They were basically all I had in friends. So I was alone -- and spent the next month or so alone, which turned out to be healthy for me, too.

So Renee walks in today and was glad to see me. She's been wanting to apologize for awhile now. She's trying to tie up all her loose ends. Clear her conscience. And I was happy to see her and hear that. It was never her that I was bitter with, but Bridgett who was the one that blew up at me over AIM. I knew things would have gone differently if I was talking to Renee. So even though I'm sure I won't be hanging out with THEM... I may see her or talk to her a little more often now. Which is good because I still care for her a lot. "Forever Endeavor" was written about her (forgive the background on that link, it's supposed to be in the Iframe).

Life has a funny was of timing things out juuuuust right.
::Coz::
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1.26.2001

11:45:16 PM
This, today's MIDI, may be a toughie... but I did not hear from Chris today, so Dan might steal the lead. Oh wait... Dan's probably not working today (no comp. at home). Hmph. Welp, here it is anyway. Remember -- Sunday is the last day of the contest.

I'm gonna try to get to bed and hide from this torturous thing called life.
.....that is, until I wake up for work at 9am. *pout*
::Coz::
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10:41:21 PM
I am surrounded by empty soda bottles, empty pints of ice cream, trash and empty bags of fattening snacks. There's a pile of old porn magazines practically engulphing my feet from when the stacks under the desk started toppling over the other day. That's where my dad decided to store part of his old collection -- no, it's not mine, nor have I even had the desire to page through them since they started burying me half alive.

Bills are piling up on top of my computer that has had to be resetted 5 times in the past 3 hours due to it locking up and forcing me to reset. It's going to die. And I......am about to break down. I've really let myself go the past few weeks. I can't do anything. The trash can is overflowing, hence the leaving of trash on the desk.
I feel overwhelmed, yet nothing's on my schedule. I feel like I am being bothered all the time by people, but I don't really have any friends now. I am bored, yet worn out.
Ladies and gentleman... welcome to Coz's depression.

"It's not what you thought when you first began it.
You got what you want, but you can hardly stand it, though,
by now you know
it's not going to stop... 'til you wise up." -- Aimee Mann

If anyone out there really does wish me dead.... I give you my full permission. Copy this text and present it as evidence that I do not wish to press charges, and will not allow anyone to press charges on you after my death. Oh yeah... make sure it's an instant kill and I'd rather not see it coming at all, either.
Thanks.
::Coz::
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12:53:54 AM
I've been getting into a lof of fights lately over at iSketch. I'm not sure if it's because I am subconsciously striving for mental stimulation, or just because the administration over there has a stick the size of Texas up their asses.

"Think for yourself. Question authority..."
I don't have too much to say. The Daily MIDI was the theme to "Baywatch" -- can you guess todays?

Let's see... I am currently in fights with people at iSketch, Niniane, Callie, and partly Judy. Now, I still must question this fact. Perhaps I have been acting like a bastard lately. Maybe, but I don't think I have been doing it unjustly. Scraping the plate, as I said below.
I guess I should write Callie back and tell her that she's completely insane in her accusations. But maybe I should think about wording it differently...

I'll leave you now with the rest of that speech. It can be found on TOOL's new CD "Salival" and I believe they are the words of Dr. Timothy Leary:
"Think for yourself - question authority.
Think for yourself - question authority.

Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening, terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are or where we're going in this ocean of chaos, has been the authorities -- the poilitical, the religious, and the educational authorities who attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rule, and regulatons. Informing... forming in our minds their view of reality.
To think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable openmindedness, chaotic, confused vulnerability to inform yourself.

Think for yourself - question authority.
Think for yourself - question authority."
::Coz::
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1.25.2001

10:20:28 PM
Ahhhh..... there's nothing better than coming home to hate mail.
Callie's mad at me. Oops, I'm not supposed to say her name.
"Who's name?"
Callie's name.
"Who?"
Callie!

"You are lisssssstening..... to Los Angeles" -- SOuL cOuGHinG (RIP)

Judy was the other halfway hate mail. Both emails were accusing me of relying on sex too much. Both are so similar to eachother. It's like they're the same person inside. Both don't seem to undestand that......well, ..... I'M A GUY!
Here's my confession to the world that don't seem to get it:
I am a nymphomaniac. I don't think of sex as being the greatest feeling in the world, physically. But mentally it soothes me. Like your bottle of jasmine scented bath bubbles and salts.... sex soothes me.
It can be extrememly meaningful when you're with someone you love, but so can a game of chess. And, like chess, you can have sex that just helps to pass the time and exercise your brain. (boy, chess can be a metaphor for so many things in life..... especially life itself)
This is the way I am. This is how I view it. I don't care if you see it differently and don't agree, because... unless your trapped inside my body (Being Coz Baldwin) --- what do you have to worry about? And no, if I am playing around and I happen to hint at having sex, I most likely don't mean it. So relax and take it as a joke, because I do have standards and strictly abide by them.

I'm starting to feel another one of Coz's plate-scrapers coming on. You know -- where I begin to get fed up with all ths STUPID FUCKING SHIT in my life that I am dealing with and just scrape that shit off my plate and if you're hurt in the process, then that means you shouldn't have fed me the shit in the first place. Get it?

Chris, who's gotten enough links from me so far, has guessed all the MIDI's so far (except Monday's which he wasn't around for) and Dan is starting to participate, too. Both were correct today but it currently being 10:30pm, I can't give the answer in this blog.

"Can't say who's name?"
CALLIE!!!
::Coz::
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12:25:42 AM
I just got a call from John. Let's pretend he passed along a "hi" to everyone.

Time for bed. Guess your MIDI. Feed my ego. Lend me your love.
::Coz::
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1.24.2001

10:33:59 PM
"I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbisile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find the center in you. I will chew it up and leave. I will work to elevate you... just enough to bring you down."

I was finally able to see Joyce tonight... while in the company of her boyfriend. We watched The Klumps.
You know you're depressed when you start getting choked up at the scene where he gets smart again at the end...
I mentioned to her before he arrived about "the possibility" and she feeds me "Well, when I break up with him, I'm just gonna want some time alone for awhile......... I honestly don't think we were meant to be together in that way...."
So it's like that. Me and her have been going back and forth for years now. Whenever one wants to get back together, the other doesn't. It's really quite annoying and upsetting. Is it too much to ask to just get one thing that I want out of this life?

In between thought of suicide, I come across this adorable site. If I cared about the Site Of The Week anymore, I'd put it up there.

Since I didn't sleep last night, I'm extremely tired and will be passing out soon. Today's MIDI will be up shortly. By the way, so far the tracks have been "Back To The Future", "Ghostbusters", and "Legend of Zelda" which was guessed by Chris once again.

"I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbisile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find the center in you. I will chew it up and leave.

trust me... trust me... trust me... trust me... TRUST ME."
::Coz::
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5:43:30 AM
Tonight after many months of soaking up and enduring pain, after dealing with my computer (my only link to virtual bliss) almost breaking down, and other what-not's, I lashed out against Niniane. There was no intention of it occuring, but I felt it coming and I had my reasons, too. I won't go into any details, but I surely was quite an asshole. Nothing I regret, and nothing I feel wasn't justified.

I've learned many things from the great loves of my life up to now.
Stacey was my first teacher. She taught me how to keep myself and my heart inside my own chest. She taught me that it's not a good thing to let people inside because you'll just end up getting hurt worse.

Joyce was my second. She showed me how I shouldn't trust people. She taught me how women can be the devil in disguise. She also told me to stop listening to Stacey's lessons.

Niniane was my 3rd and latest teacher. Niniane taught me that it's OK to aim high, no matter how beautiful the girl is. She then showed me how Stacey and Joyce were both really good teachers all along.

What will become of my life after tonight? I'm supposed to get together with Joyce tonight but I'm sure, as usual, she's either forgotten or she won't feel up to it. It would be great to see her tonight. I kind of need her right now more than most times before.
John is gone. Tom spends most of his time with his girlfriend. The only word that Callie can say anymore is "Dan" (oh yeah... and "no"), not to mention, no offense Callie, but all hanging out with her entails is driving around to somewhere else, or watching her talk to idiots on AIM ...on my computer. Judy is trying but it's not a good time. I'm making less money now than I ever did, and have more bills to pay than I ever did. It's not a good combination. *jumps in chair* There are squirrels fighting in my attic above me. My father seems to be on the brink of death. When I briefly visited my mother at work yesterday, she was drunk off her ass... and no one is participating in Soundtrack Week.

So what will become of my life after tonight? I'm not sleeping. I'm not awake half the day, either. I'm 21 and not taking advantage of it. I need something new. I need something different. But I'm too fucking weak -- and far too scared. Someone show me the way. Take my hand and lead me to a secret garden where none of this exists.

Y'know, if you're gonna fuck me like this, at least have the common desency to physically fuck me, too.
::Coz::
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2:23:00 AM
Looks like Chris is the Shonen Knife culprit.

And since there's only one person participating, I'm gonna have to make these a bit harder.... here ya go.
::Coz::
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12:38:49 AM
I'm having major problems with my computer, now. If you do not hear from me for a bit, know that my comp broke down and I'll be back as soon as I can. Of course, I may not have any problems from now on, either.... who knows. it seems there might be a wirse that's loose, maybe, form my mother board. In the middle of playing iSketch, it turned off... but the power was still on. I went to turn it on again and it did -- the fan started going, but nothing was happening. So...

shit.
::Coz::
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1.23.2001

11:22:58 PM
Another day of no guesses.

*Bang*

I have a new pager number. If you want it, email me. But you should have gotten an email from me about it.
::Coz::
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3:15:33 AM
Goodnight. Keep those guesses ....to yourselves, I suppose....
::Coz::
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3:11:40 AM
I just really, really, really want to know why this has shown up as a referral twice in the past couple hours.
The Shonen Knife Home Page. WTF?! There's no link to me on it.... I don't get it.
::Coz::
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2:50:03 AM
ooooh, and it's so nice to know that I have such wonderful friends who care for me so much and comfort me in my times of social breakdowns.......

(sarcasm at its finest) Thanks, "baby".
::Coz::
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1:30:22 AM
..and thanks for the blog, Lane, even though you hate MIDI's.
::Coz::
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12:52:27 AM
Thanks, Chris.
You're in the lead...

nice site, too.
::Coz::
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12:38:32 AM
(This is what happens when I don't listen to my own advice about disappointments and getting hopes up too high...)
::Coz::
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12:29:19 AM
Ok, this has got to be one of the lowest points of my life.
I go way out of my way and basically tell people I'll pay them to read my blog everyday for one week, and what happens.... nothing. Still.

It's times like this where I really feel I should give up. I mean, Christ! What the hell is wrong with me? It takes two seconds to write to me and say the Daily MIDI was the soundtrack to "Back To The Future".
11 people visited my blog yesterday, and except for Judy who wrote to say she doesn't have sound at her computer at work (use the one at home!), I got no emails even slightly pertaining to the contest. This is so pathetic. I just am amazed at the lack of concern people really have for me. I just really wish I understood WHY. I bet you 10 to 1 that 95% of the people I wrote to about checking out Soundtrack Week saw that it was from me and said to themselves "Oh, it's a letter from Coz....... .......trash"
And don't think I am exaggerating, either. I've been told by three people that they regularly toss most things from me.

And I'm supposed to be optimistic?! I'm supposed to feel like I don't need a girlfriend to feel special? I'm supposed to think that a lot of people really care for me? Fuck that! How much more fucking proof do you need?!

Fuck you all. How about that?

Fuck you all.
::Coz::
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1.22.2001

6:29:49 PM
Where in the world are all the entries?
I got nothin' so far!

Jesus fucking Christ...
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

4:06:43 AM
OK, but before I do.. one last thought:

For those of you who are curious about how I am doing.... I am fine. I am truly fine. I was talking to Callie tonight and as you may know she's not doing so well, right now. But in the middle of talking things over with her I realized... I am ok. It's in the past. I'm not dwelling on it and though it's sad to think about, I'm doing quite well. It just scares me a bit because I fear I may be in denial or something and soon it will come flooding back. But... I don't think so.
I hope I am ok, honestly. But on the other hand, it's always so boring when I'm doing fine.
::Coz::
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3:58:25 AM
dude... you wanna see a horrible pic of me? (aren't they all, though)
Peek

This is me at work. Tie and all. Don't laugh too hard, ok. Just guess your damned Daily MIDI and be gone with you!

Man, I really need to go to bed. Work at 9. I'm gonna get fired... ugh. Kill me now. Goodnight.
::Coz::
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1:36:43 AM
Greetings, and welcome to Soundtrack Week, here at www.cozbaldwin.com
The way this works is you must recognize the song playing in the background everyday and email it to me. Whoever writes in the most correct answers at the end of next Sunday wins. What do you win? Well, my friend, how about an autographed copy of my CD! If you already have my CD, then I'll give you a check for $20. Simple!

RULES
1. You do not talk about Soundtrack Week... hehehe

2. Write to coz20@home.com to enter your guess.

3. Only 1 guess per day per person. Final.

4. You must include your real name in full in each email or it will not be counted.

5. You must have your sound turned up (and MIDI volume level up) to listen to the Daily MIDI.

6. You should read the blog as you're listening. That's what it's there for.

7. If there are multiple winners, a drawing will be held for the prize winner.

8. You must acknowledge that Rule #1 was a joke and you should tell many, many people about this contest.

9. Try and cheat and I cannot punish you for it. But karma will.

That's it! Have a good time. I hope to hear from lots of you every day!
::Coz::
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1.21.2001

12:49:15 AM
Hello world. I am drunk.

As I mentioned before I was supposed to do something "special" wth Tom and his g.f., but plans change and mother nature starts snowing on us, so we went to Brownie's 23 East. Locals should know that name well. Aaaaannnddd..... I'm drunk.

That's really all. I still plan on posting the rest of the pics, in fact I plan on dedicating a whole page to them and my blog... but... I have to wait for the time and the soberness.

Good day.
::Coz::
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1.20.2001

7:21:22 PM
You know what fucking pisses me off? The fact that I try hard every year to get "thoughtful" gifts for people. Things I know they'd appreciate greatly, in one way or another. And every year.. I never get any like that. For instance.... the things I expected to get from people were "American Beauty" "Magnolia" maybe "Being John Malkovich." Did I get ANY of those??? NO!!! I can't believe it. The things I wanted most and people should have known... I have to buy myself now.

That's what pisses me off.
::Coz::
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7:07:41 PM
Finally, I'm talking to Niniane.

There's a huge storm rolling in, but I don't think it's going to affect my plans tonight. Tom will be calling soon. We'll see...

I'm off tomorrow... yay!
::Coz::
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3:27:05 AM
I'm serious when I tell you that I can't stay away from this place. Liz rocks!!!

Anyway, it looks like Callie is doing better.
I bought a new alarm clock today because I was late to work -- it didn't wake me up and eventually it turned off.... somehow....

Tomorrow I'm finally going to a bar with Tom and his girlfriend. First bar legally! There may be "other" things going on there, too *wink wink* *nudge nudge* *poke poke* *tweak tweak* *cough cough*

Uh... Except for Niniane replying to my email to let me know she's alive, I have not talked to her at all yet. Kinda... I don't know what.

And hey, I got a match on my crushlist when they got the email from their secret admirer (me). But it was no surprise... nice to see I was at least put in their list of guesses. Evil, evil site.

Well... It's 3:30am and I must be at work at 9am. Ha! Good test for the new alarm! See you tomorrow.

(If you have trouble with the Daily MIDI/blog reference... think of the band's name...)
::Coz::
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1.19.2001

1:46:03 AM
P.S. -- I believe next week will be the now infamous SoundTrack Week!
Starts Monday..... stay tuned!
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

1:37:03 AM
Ok, so here's some of my favorite pix. The rest will come later...

Niniane skating
--- ---

Picture of a palmtree in the yard of the Winchester Mystery House

Niniane
--- --- ---

Pictures of John, Alan, Rebecca, Niniane, and I
---

Hey, remember that electric car I was telling you about?
---
That's... www.corbinmotors.com

All for now. I must get some sleep.... badly.
::Coz::
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1.18.2001

11:31:20 PM
And disappointment sets in again... (read previous blog)
Turns out it was good ol' Julie. You see, the way that evil, evil site works is -- well, from my point of view, I was told I had a secret admirer. Go to the site to find out who. Then, you must write in all your "crushes" and see if any match. Either way, all those people will get that same email I got. I wrote in a number of names -- crushes or not, and now they'll think they have a secret admirer. But NO! They don't. They have someone looking for their crush, just as I was looking for mine -- just as Julie was looking for hers and put in her entire address book. And to get hints, you must join free membership sites for whatever... VERY EVIL! So whatever. I have no sercret admirer, now.

Callie just called and her and Dan talked things out and though they're still not together, Callie believes the break-up will end soon.

I have pictures from the trip back and I'm about to scan them in now. See you then.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

10:28:13 PM
I didn't mention that I took did in fact take off from work on Wednesday. I just couldn't do it.
I didn't sleep at all last night, but forced myself to go in.
Last night, I had the pleasure of watching Callie and Dan break up. She's not doing so well. She's kinda... well... look. This morning she paged me and I went over there for breakfast and then off to work.

I'm doing a lot better than I have been. I especially am, now, because I got an email from Crushlink.com saying I have a secret admirer. I wonder who it could beeeeee......
I'll tell you what - most likely it's going to be a disappointment, and therefore I must learn to control my anxiousness. But, it's so cool. I've always wanted a secret admirer. Oddly enough, I was just discussing that with Niniane and her mom the other night. But, the person has 5 letters in their first name. That's all I know. Whoever it is.. Come forth! (And... don't be a guy, please.)

I'm quite tired. I must go to sleep at a reasonable hour tonight. I doubt I will, though.

'Till next time.
::Coz::
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12:29:11 AM
Life is full of disappointments, big and small. Sometimes, the more you focus on the smaller ones, they become big ones. One thing you must learn to do is find out the cause of the disappointment, and I don't mean cause as in: "The [insert local sports team] didn't win the [insert appropriate game title]!!!"
No. By cause I mean: Why that lost game is such a disappointment. The answer: Because you got your hopes up too high.
Now, I'm not saying don't get your hopes up about anything, but learn to control it. The sooner one learns to control it, the easier one's life will be.
Ever hear of the book "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" ?? It also has a sub-title of "(And it's all small stuff)"
Now, I can't agree with the sub-title conpletely, but 90% of it really is small.

There are 3 steps you must take when a disappointment comes around.
1. Let go of whatever hope you were hanging on to.
2. Accept it.
3. Move on.
The sooner one follows steps 1 & 2, the sooner they can move on. The sooner they move on, the sooner it will all be forgotten about.

Now accept that, and move on...
::Coz::
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1.16.2001

11:35:48 PM
Well, I'm home. Flight was fine.
Here's a collage of pictures taken with my PenCam. It starts with being on the plane and taking off. Then a few of Niniane and her local mall (first place we went to when I got out there) and the Ritz store out there. Then a few more high quality pix on the plane again.

I really don't know what to say. I'm not doing as well as I hoped. I'm pretty depressed. I don't feel like talking to anyone, really... and I'm NOT looking forward to going into work tomorrow morning.
I'm sorry... I just can't blog much of anything good right now. --- But THIS is an interesting site. :-)
::Coz::
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6:23:40 AM
Hm. I went the entire week, and I just found www.mailstart.com which allows me to check any mail any where.

Psssshhhh.....
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

5:39:15 AM
Rare and precious gem...
How I wish I was yours. But I know I can't be and must allow another to take over. How is one supposed to give up all he's hoped for? How is he supposed to hand it over to someone else and pretend he doesn't mind? And how is he supposed to go on living in peace knowing what a treasure lies under his nose and he can't have it?
These are questions I must face, now, when I arrive back into my world.
But, Love, how is it... why is it... that there are currently 68 conversations you've saved of ours? How is it that whatever reason caused that to happen has deteriorated completely?
I could ask questions forever... but I will stop now. I must accept it and move on. I know I've become stronger becuase of this. I know I will mature from this. I'll probably become more immune to heartache, and love itself... but chances are, I won't be that lucky.

I'm trying to keep the faith, but please... no more Ben Stiller!
Seriously, I'm anxious about something else. Whoever knows me will probably know who I refer to as the person most people always thought I'd end up with... I'm starting to wonder that myself, now. There's a possibility and I will hear nothing from you if it's discouraging. You think by now I don't know what I'm doing?!
Yeah, I'm talking to you, Dan.

I wonder if anyone is sitting there right now, thinking: "look at him... as soon as one "thing" ends, he's already preying on someone else." But it's not like that. And even if it was, so fucking what? It keeps my head above water, doesn't it? It keeps me going and gives me something to have faith in, doesn't it? So fuck you. Fuck you if that's what you're thinking. It's my fucking life, not yours. I'll live the way that's best for me -- not you.

It's strange. I've forgotton most of what my life was back east. For instance, I saw this guy out here that reminded me of someone I knew around home. I couldn't place him, but I thought it was a teacher. So I started scrolling teacher faces through my head and I couldn't. So few faces could I remember. So I started thinking about what else in my life occured that maybe I know this guy from. I couldn't even remember what I've done in my life, where I've been, or who I knew! It was scary. Maybe it's just the lack of sleep, though.

I know most people will ask me "How was it? Did you have a good time?"
Never in my life have I dreaded answering those questions more than I do now. If you're reading this, please try to stray from asking me those things. Just take a few minutes and read over all my blogs this week (I set it so it'll display the last 7 blog days just for you) and take from it what you will.
Ask me specifics about the trip.
Ask me questions about what I've hinted on in the blogs.
Ask me if the water tasted funny...
But don't ask me if I had a good time. And don't ask me "how thing's went". I'll either kick you, or start to ball my eyes out (Neither of which I probably hope to do).

I will arrive at my house approximately 9:00 - 9:30pm Tuesday evening. My father would rather I pay $15 and take a taxi then come and get me.... but whatever. I have to fucking work 11-8 Wednesday, but I might call out because... well... duh.
I hope to hear from you all soon.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

1.15.2001

1:58:35 AM
STARS ON ICE was wonderful. It is Scott Hamilton's last season, so the whole program kind of revolves around him and what his thoughts are of everything now. He is quite amazing out there. Takes the cake in my opinion. I just wish that Oksana Bauol (sp?) was there. *pout* She's a...... she's a very nice girl...

The blanket I mentioned in the previous blog has risen, but it's just plain uncomfortable for me, for some reason. Tomorrow night it'll all be said and done. I'd say it's judgement day, but... there's really nothing to be judged. It's over. I know that. I'd just like to talk about it, first. To say what, I don't know. BUt something must be done... for closure.
It's such a shame. I'll never understand this life. I'll never understand women. I'll never understand why there's one green cigarette in every pack of my Salem 100's Box (SlideBox, that is!) -- but at least I can appreciate that one.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

1.14.2001

3:47:36 PM
It's uncanny, sometimes...
My extreme talent of turning a perfectly normal day into the most uncomfortable one in the blink of an eye.

Yesterday we went to that house. I was a little disappointed because they barely focused on the bizarre, but rather more on the beauty. I didn't even see the famous steps to the ceiling. Afterwords, we ate and Niniane had to go to work. I've been looking forward to seeing her at work all week. I wanted to see her life for real. I wanted to know what she sees and hears. It's being a apart of her world, as opposed to the rest of the week where visiting different places makes them strangers as much as it does me.
I couldn't stay there long, though. I forgot that when she's being a part of her life, it makes me even more of a stranger. I felt like I was interrupting her life, there. So I left and walked the block to her apt. Stayed there the rest of the night.

It's now Sunday afternoon and we're going to go to "Stars on Ice" -- I hope by then the blanket of quiet has disappeared. I leave for home shortly. I don't want to think about it, but I keep hoping maybe I'll start to get excited about going home.

There are things I feel we must discuss in person before I leave. I don't know when that will happen, but I really do not want to miss the chance. I'd rather wait till tomorrow night, but if the day keeps going the way I started it out to be... it may be sooner than later.
::Coz::
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1.13.2001

4:26:59 PM
We're going to tour the Winchester Mystery House today. I think I'm going to like that place...

It's a little difficult for me to think about the fact that I'll only be here for another 3 full days (including today).
I'm curious to know how difficult it is for others...
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2:09:03 AM
Day 4: Completed.

I wanted to blog last night but I just plain forgot. So let's start back there...
Waking up to the sound of falling rain has gotten to be the norm around here. I won't complain since they rarely ever get rain here. It does, however, dampen plans of running around the city (no pun intended). John called over here and we talked about how to get together. Rebecca was hesitant to drive around here since the drivers in this area are very aggressive. They're not angry, really... just aggressive. In the rain, they're no different. Driving around like the roads were perfectly normal. Now, considering how often it rains here, I was amazed to see so many people so confident in their driving-in-the-rain skills. Anyway...
She didn't want to pick us up, plain and simple. We expressed that to take public transportation to the city to meet them would take a couple hours and then we won't have much time to hang out. We were "this" close to forgetting the whole thing when we finally decided to do it. Take the train*s* up to Fisherman's Wharf. After we finally get there we met up and went for some dinner at a nice restaraunt near there -- Costagnola's, I believe. I ordered a glass of wine, and like the previous night at ¡Hola!'s, when I ordered a margarita, I was not carded. How sweet it is.... (Unfortunatly, I couldn't stomach either drink... especially the margarita)
We ate and went shopping through a few stores. I bought a Zippo with San Francisco on it. (I am a collector of Zippo's)
The problem was, when I went to purchase it, they asked me for I.D.!!! I couldn't believe it. CA is so stuck up on smoking in general, you can't smoke in any restaraunt and barely any bars... it's insane.
So, we then said our good-bye's and off they were for home to leave for Oregon, their new home, today. The last time I'll see John for a good while. Alan, I barely see anymore anyways, so it's not that great of a loss.

Today
Niniane took me to Palo Alto and we walked around a few different places. We saw this little electric car that I got pix of. You'll have to wait for me to get home to see them, but it's a funky li'l thing. Here's the website in the meantime...
We then went to this cool diner called Peninsula Creamery (or "What's Shakin'!") Really neat retro-style diner. It's been there since 1928. The only problem is they spell breakfast as "breakfust" -- I don't know why. OH, that's another thing. At that Costagnola's place last night, they spelled Dom Perignon as "Don Perignon." This place is weird.
Lazy, too!
At the grocery store, when you give your money to the check-out guy, the change spits out a machine next to your bags! And also, when we went to The Olive Garden tonight, instead of taking your name, they give you these round discs that vibrate and light up when your table is ready. Lazy, lazy, lazy...
Apparently that change machine has been there for years and they were shocked to learn we didn't have them. I also learned that somewhere in this area, they sell caffinated water. This, many of you know, is my dream come true. I have heard about this stuff for a few years, now. Nowhere in Philly do they have it. Now, if I could find it, I would be in heaven. I'd lose a lot of weight, and just be so happy to have this stuff.
I just have to find out where it is in this area... I MUST HAVE IT!

Many of you might be curious as to how it's going with Niniane and I. It's hard to tell. I mean, we're definitely friends... we've gotten into a few "fights" already because of my pestering her about what's going on in her head. When I realize something about her and bring it to her attention, she quiets up and doesn't want me getting close to her at all. I only do it to let her know how she is and hope that maybe it will help her to know what she does. It's up to HER to then question WHY she does it. It's only then when one can be healed of their problems.
She has yet to tell me she loves me. I tell her at least once daily, and she smiles. She doesn't know why she can't say it. As of Monday, she could type it -- while I was at home. But she can't say it. I believe she's scared. She doesn't want to be in love and she's forced herself out of love with me and refuses to let herself fall back in love. Of course, this is all an illusion and underneath she never stopped. -- This, once again, is just what I believe to be true. Perhaps it's me that is under the illusion. But I know for a fact that as she reads this, she's getting upset...

Now I'm gonna go play iSketch. This thing rocks. Check it out.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

1.11.2001

2:53:48 AM
Greetings from San Francisco!

I arrived safe and sound -- a half-hour early -- and was left to fend for myself in the SFO airport. Apparently, a last minute check on the times of my flight by Niniane and her mom said my ETA was 1:05, when in fact I landed at 11:30. All alone in SFO. Where do I go? What should I do? Where's their number and address? AH! I forgot it! How am I going to get ahold of them? Where are they? Stuck in traffic? Got into an accident? Did they ever exist in the first place?
Yes, in fact they did. I called information and obtained their phone number. I called and shocked the hell out of them. "Where are you?" "Where are YOU?!"

Well, it was quite an adventure.

The first day here (yesterday) was pretty nerve-wracking. Went immediatly to T.G.I.Friday's. Then we walked around the Hillsdale Mall, looking for dinnerware (....) and proceeded to go back here and do whatever....settle in, I guess. Later on we went to a little place around here I am quite familiar with.....Can you guess?
DENNY'S!!!
That's right. My first night here and already am feeling right at home.... kind of.

I gave Niniane the ring I bought her. She thinks it's very pretty. --- I can't talk about her too much right now, seeing as she's right behind me. *looks around.... GASP!*

So, today we met up with her friend (ex-beau) Jason. Short guy, he is. Nice and kinda hyper. I'll tell you, this girl sure has strange taste in men. A choice of 5 billion men and she chooses.....US. Weird. But hey, I'm not complaining!
Anyways, we went to Burger King and then UP to Haight street. This place is exactly like South Street, but I don't think it's nearly as "happening" I guess, though I'm told it wasn't at it's peak today. I thought we were going to check out Fisherman's Wharf, etc., but in a way, I'm glad we didn't. I didn't get all the sleep I should have. (but that's an entirely different story for an entirely different day)

John arrived today around 5, I think. Him, Alan, and Rebecca (Alan's girlfriend who is the one who lives around here) were supposed to call over here tonight but never did. I, on the other hand, was supposed to call if I wasn't hearing from them. We're all supposed to get together tomorrow, but at this point, it doesn't look likely. It figures. Alan is not the greatest person to hold up plans. Rebecca doesn't seem to do much but encourage that behavior as well. John..... doesn't care much.
I do hope we get together, though. I'll have to call first thing tomorrow. I believe if we don't get together tomorrow, we won't have another chance.

I think that's all I really have to say right now (that I CAN say.... *wink*).
Stay tuned for futher details...

Farewell from San Francisco!!
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

1.9.2001

5:17:17 AM
Ok, so I'm sitting here, showered and zestfully clean.
The taxi arrives in 2 hours.
I am packed and ready to go off to the land of... the land of...
the land of Niniane and all her glory.

Hey, I couldn't care if the place was all mud and snails as long as she was there.

We all know what my wishes and hopes are for this trip, but I do look forward to just getting away from here for a bit, too. I do hope to have some fun. I do hope to relax and enjoy that certain something in the air. The air that bellows through the San Francisco area. That certain something that made my grandparents decide that SF is their favorite place to visit. That certain something that kept driving them back to visit. That same certain something that caught me the first and only other time I was there. And that same certain something that will still be there when I arrive in 10 hours (SF time).
Perhaps... it will be the same certain something that will surround my home in the future and then become nothing more than just "something."
Nevertheless, I wouldn't want anything else to become nothing more than "something", then that certain something that San Francisco holds.

Have a wonderful week. As mentioned on the "news" page, I will not be able to access my inbox until January 16th, when I arrive back....... here.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

5:00:43 AM
Wow, I was just checking out my gnocchi-book and lo-and-behold, someone signed it! And with very kind words!
All hail Tony!
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

12:25:02 AM
hi.

More later...
::Coz::
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1.8.2001

3:58:50 AM
Go Coz, It's your birthday...... Go Coz, It's your birthday...

That's right. I am now as legal as a legal person can be legal. 21 smackeroos. The big TWO-ONE. Twenty-one-arinoooo.... Twenty-one-meisterrrrr..... The Drinkarrrrrr..... the booserrrrr..... the legal-man. Twenty-oneeeee....... *SMACK*

In other news, I am leaving tomorrow for San Francisco. I will be there for a week. I hope my life evolves into something more beautiful. I hope I can be at peace again. I hope I can love. I hope I can blog before I leave.... I know I will be - because I'll be up all night so as not to miss my flight (future lyric for a song??? hmmmm) So AIM me at Garmonbozia Boy. Keep me company and keep me awake.
::Coz::
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1.6.2001

1:44:30 AM
By the way... I have not forgotten about Soundtrack Week, though I know you have. Keep in mind that sometime after I get back from my vacation you will know just what Soundtrack Week is -- and experience it with open arms. Stay tuned!
::Coz::
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12:18:26 AM
Holy shit!
That was awesome...
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

12:17:59 AM
Ok, Mr. Blogger... Let's see just how fast you have become.

I can't believe it's 3 days away at this point. It's insane. And the closer it get's the more anxious I get. I just want to be out there. It reminds me of when I used to walk home from friends houses and the closer I got to my house, the greater the feeling of "just get me home" filled my head. Was I alone on this? Oh well. Here's to Blogger.
::Coz::
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1.5.2001

2:53:34 AM
4 days.... In 4 days, I'll be with her again.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...
Goodnight.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

1.4.2001

11:21:30 AM
OK, Blogger is at an all-time (s)low... It's killing me. Especially because RedRival is now up.

Good news! Sooperficial blogged me! Considering after many months of doing this site, this is the first site to blog me without me asking them to, I owe Sooperficial my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Boy, January 3rd, as stupid as it was, will go down in my history book as being one of my luckiest days ever. You should have seen the parking spots I was getting!
::Coz::
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12:30:21 AM
blog?
::Coz::
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